I’m glad writing a weekly blog is a requirement of the course otherwise I’m not sure how often I’d do it -I have never enjoyed writing essays at school-. I know by now though how powerful it is to put myself through this process of reflection and reflexion: it can simply result in a summary of the events of the week in that case it becomes a process of remembrance or realization of things that I might not have noticed or I forgot – sometimes it can lead to a cathartic process when the events were more emotional – but I know it always brings me clarity! And the best is when this clarity develops towards a breakthrough! I love these ones!! When I start writing I don’t necessarily know the final outcome. But I know there is more behind the facts I want to bring up that will be revealed as I progress and elaborate on “paper”. So let’s see how this one goes tonight!
Everything started a few weeks ago when I was beating myself up for not being able to keep my promises (like I was promising to do reading my cards 3x a day). The challenges of meeting the requirements although real, were I suspect signs of resistance from my subby plus “coincidentally” my work load was at full capacity, leaving the rest of my days filled with other necessities/commitments -I even didn’t have time to have a decent lunch till pretty much dinner time, therefore wasn’t doing the mid-day readings till that part of the day-. I was feeling like I couldn’t keep up with the course requirements as I was getting the evening readings done very late, dozing off on Og and Haanel, restarting reading phrases over and over, what obviously took forever to complete and not in an effective way, and was getting me to bed around 2am very frequently. Everything to say that I found myself in a very desempowering place after few weeks of this regiment to the point that I started to develop a sore throat. All the elements to contribute to that were present: lack of sleep, stress, sudden weather change from 80deg to 60 and dehydration as a result of that, if you are spiritual you know we store guilt (of not keeping my promises)/resentment/worry in the throat chakra -we were on the “no opinion/no judgment” weeks therefore I was feeling guilty to have so many negative thoughts plus these words of judgment (that would have gone out of my mouth) were unconsciously “dirty” and not coming out therefore staying stuck in my throat – on top of that being so busy I was not taking any quality time with my daughter (14) who is very independent, resourceful and was busy with her school at home while I was busy with my own stuff. As a result I was interacting often negatively with her, telling her all the things she wasn’t doing (projection of my own mental focus and anger towards myself) or she was doing wrong, causing even more guilt and negativity in my throat!-.
At this point it felt like we were roommates and not mother daughter anymore, what was painful to live daily for both of us, but I hadn’t realized it yet and certainly didn’t know how to stop myself from feeding that energy because I thought I was right to behave this way. Till one day, I was in her bedroom talking with her when I discovered one thing I had asked her to take care of for weeks that was still not dealt with… that was my breaking point and I cried, what allowed me to finally “stop” myself going down the vicious cycle I had put her and I in for few weeks. So I shared what was happening to me, my troubles and pains with her and she listened, shared her side and we reconnected, like we always do. I know and am so grateful we have that strong loving bond that I never want to loose! ❤
As I work with clients on one on one, for their safety I had to take a Covid test therefore cancel my appointments till I get the results, what made me stay home with my daughter. I was so happy to give her time, just for her, my presence, my attention and my Love! It had been too long since I hadn’t done that. Things happen for a reason, I love how the universe plots these! This time at home happened to start on the first day of the Challenge 6 workshop from Mark and Davene and sometime during the 2nd or 3rd day I heart Mark repeating many times how he would not let his team members do their MLM tasks till he knew they had scheduled weekly time(s) to be with their family (what I had heart before of course) but this time it finally landed. I had told my daughter many times before I didn’t want to end up having with her the relationship I had developed with my mom when I was a young adult. We have a great loving relationship and I love her deeply but something has been broken in me. I remember her always reproaching x, y, z, always seeing the bad things, complaining all the time! I know that’s not only how she was but that’s what stuck with me. And who do you think I was behaving like with my daughter? 😉
Few days later (Sunday), after spending 4 fabulous loving days with my daughter, I skyped with my mom like we usually do once or twice a month. Mostly for my daughter to stay connected and speak (French) with my parents and of course share about our lives as we are very involved with each other. But this Sunday my daughter was still sleeping so I talked with my mom so went naturally on the sore throat story and what had happened between my daughter and me, sharing what I had realized about my behavior and how I was pretty much only criticizing my daughter anymore. My mom and I have a loving relationship too but I was still resenting her for being the way she was when I was a teenager and young adult. And by telling her this story -me putting my daughter through what I resented her to put me through- I saw something resonated with her and unconsciously it made me “forgive” my mom, freeing both of us from the resentment I was still holding against her. When we decided to finally hang up the words “Je t’aime Maman” came out naturally. It meant more than usually.
After that conversation, something sooooo significant of the breakthroughs that had happened in the previous days took place: I was getting things at the store and happen to drive behind a remodeled older car. As a French driver who has driven for years on Paris, I guess I could be driving a little too close to cars in front of me but this wasn’t nearly the case. However it seems like it was by the drive who started to give me the finger from outside his window at my big surprise, then when I moved to the next lane arriving at his level he kept yelling at me insults and that’s when I knew something major had changed in me. I usually can’t tolerate vulgarity, obnoxious people especially when I did nothing to cause that reaction, and I get myself wrapped up in anger too and that hurt by the aggressivity projected towards me affects me and stays with me log after. But this time nothing he was saying nor doing triggered neither affected me, instead I stayed in my beautiful state effortlessly, had compassion telling in a very sincere manner I was sorry he was feeling this way to what he kept adding more degrading words at me. I finally said to him again in a heartfelt compassionate way “why are you so mean?” to what he responded by another degrading insult and immediately after these last words got off the road to another street.
Since this first time in my life experience of loving kindness like described in Scroll II (… love is also my shield to repulse the arrows of hate and the spears of anger” ), and thanks to being able to catch up on the requirements, finalizing my movie poster, getting my DMP to a status of completion, and then keeping my words close to 100%, my life is back to being not only even more beautiful but fundamentally changed! I had my first full day today of no judgment, no negative opinion (only one but I was able to substitute it in a few seconds and smile about how easy it was!). Instead I lived this day in a beautifully loving state 🙂 I am very grateful for everything and to everyone for putting me through the events that contributed to get where I am now!
I’ll finish with Og: I endure sadness for it opens my soul – I greet this day with love and I succeed!