This week has been the challenging one for me…. starting on Sunday after being thrown down from the high I had been since the beginning of the course.
I could not expect to have my “10 year old self” reappearing, this little girl who’s story has affected my whole life because some events made her feel at the time not enough, unloved, unworthy. And last Sunday, just that identical tone of voice used speaking to me sent me right back then, leaving me feeling rejected and hurt, wanting to leave, being on my own.
Few hours later I reached out to a life coach colleague to help me work through it and she really helped. But I still felt ashamed of these feelings coming back, while trying to integrate that what happened was not about me and I could simply bring it up and allow the adult me to change the story (for good?) of the 10 year old Christelle?
This sounds like the best thing to do, doesn’t it? Well unfortunately the feeling of shame, of misjudging, avoidance of confrontation with some kind of “authority”, won in my mind and I never brought it up. Since Monday my work took over my week leaving me with no time to have even lunch till dinner time, only reading my mid-day OG and cards early evening, going to bed between 1, 2 , 3am falling asleep on Hannel or Og. Luckily I was personifying what Og wrote it ” I begin to awake, each morning, with a vitality I have never known before…”.
On Thursday after watching the webcast replay to help me revise my DMP I had no time to work on till the last day, I had the most difficult time recreating my first revision all together and based on the comments. Hours later (exactly at midnight Kauai time) I submitted my revision, still not really clear on what my “sacrifice” was neither how to properly express it/word it out .
Well as I was driving today I got a breakthrough about this question: I had been thinking about calling a friend of mine for more than a week, “simply” to ask her about her gardener as I want to hire one. Why have I each time found myself “not feeling like” calling her? Well today when I thought about my need for a gardener I just saw myself do it, without any self-sabotage talk! The “laps of time” Mark told us about and that I had already experienced last week between the thought and the action was not only gone but this also made me realized HOW MUCH TIME AND ENERGY I HAD WASTED!?!? till I finally did it!
And this is my sacrifice!! I need to sacrifice the story “10 years old Christelle” made up! It served me well on some great aspects building my character but is only disserving me now and that for too long!!!
I AM ENOUGH, I AM LOVED, I AM WORTHY, and WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME DOESN’T DEFINE ME, ONLY I CAN DO THAT! “Today my old skin has become as dust. I walk tall among (wo)men and they know me not, for today I am a new woman, with a new life” Og Mandino Scroll 1. Thank you to all for this gift! 🙂